Tuesday, October 12, 2010

holding on, letting go..... and trying to say good bye

After a lengthy stay in the hospital, a tough battle with a most fierce strain of pnemonia..... getting better..... cause for hope, we were given the news the other night that my Mother will not get better.
She will not make it.

Many of you know that my mom has been hospitalized since right before Labor Day, and while there she contracted a really tough strain of pneumonia.

She's fought so hard, and even when the Docs said she may not make it, she fought to prove them wrong. She had to be put on a ventilator just until they could get the pneumonia under control, and they did, and we sat bedside with her through it all.
She told my son "she wasn't goin anywhere". We believed her and held on to her words. She did beat the pneumonia, but the joy was short lived, as we were told soon after that the infection had caused her kidney to fail. BUT.....there is a chance it could come back said the Doctors.

My Stevie kissing his "Mimmy", early on, some 2 1/2 weeks ago.

Sweet Zoey seeing her Mimmy for the first time on the ventilator. It frightened her at first, but she begged to come back each day and sit bedside the bed w/ us. my mom loves her so, and you can see, even while heavily sedated, she tries to touch Zoey.

Me, giving my Mom a kiss.

I know this will be one of the very last. I see in this pic just how much she has failed in 2 1/2 weeks. She's grown tired and she is exhausted...fighting to breath all the time.

I know our time is running out, and I am letting go and saying good bye. I just don't know how I will ever manage in a world without this precious woman. It seems impossible to me.

We've been told that the pneumonia not only damaged my Mom's kidney, it also tooks it's nasty toll on her heart. She will not get better they say, and still she fights. This explains her continued swelling even though she goes through 3 hours of dialysis every other day. She doesn;t even look like the woman who was taken into that hospital some 6 weeks ago.

She could refuse the dialysis, but she asks to have it to give her time here, and I know she probably feels there may be some hope, and who are we to say otherwise. She knows we all love her so much, and she knows how hard it is for us all to say good bye, and I know she isn't ready to leave us. She is and always has been a nurturing, giving person to anyone she came in contact with. She's been the caretaker of the family, the one we all run to when we need something, even something as small as an ear to listen to our troubles.

I've had to be strong and I've had to tell her it is OK...I will be OK. she can go, and we will be OK. I just don't know how.

I'll be back to my doll making eventually, as I know she would want me to, and she loves my dolls so much. I even have a set in the works, but don't know when I will finish. I thought she was getting better and I was working a few hours each week.

since getting the news, I'm soaking up every ounce of life with my mom, and learning to let go and trying to say good bye to the woman who has meant so very much to me. I'm 50 years old, yet I feel like such a child.