the way life used to be.
If someone asked me to describe the past year with one word, it would be a piece of cake. It's a no-brainer for me. One word? Ahhh, that's simple. Loss. Loss sums it up perfectly. I could leave it at that, and it would be enough said. The year of Loss, that is what 2010 means to me.
Please don't get me wrong here. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. Welllll, maybe just a bit. OK, no doubt about it, yes I am. I am downright feeling sorry for myself! I'm ok with saying it. I think I am entitled to it, and I'm taking it and running with it, and I expect no one to feel abliged to run with me, it's a solo run and one I must travel alone. I usually will not own that mind set (self-pity), as I have always been capable of realizing that there is always someone else who has it worse off, and I still do know this, but I cannot help but to feel my own pain, my void, the bitterness I feel toward the year 2010! Going into it I had no idea how many family members we would lose. No idea whatsoever. Looking back at it, reflecting......it is hard to believe. We lost 6 family members in 2010, and we don't have a real big family. Yes, loss is the word of the year for our family.
It started in February, with my mom's cousin. He was older, but still so very sad to lose him. He lived right next door to me for many years, and his children were so close with him. I remember thinking at his funeral about what it would be like if it were my mom. How would I ever handle it I thought to myself as we said good bye to this lovely man. My mom was the same age as him. I knew eventually it would be our turn to have to do this. I couldn't have known though that we would be in that very same church saying goodbye just some months down the road.
In August, my dear cousin lost his 27 yr old son to a prescription drug overdose. He (Christopher) laid in a coma for a week, surrounded by loved ones before the family could come to grips with the reality that he was brain dead, and they would have to take him off life support. That was one of the saddest funerals I had ever attended, as seeing this young man in the casket, I could imagine any of our young people in his place, b/c I know the abuse is rampant.
In September my cousin Terri Jo lost her 10 yr battle with cancer. She was my age, and an only child. She leaves behind 2 children and a brand new granddaughter, and her Mother. I cannot imagine.
In October my other cousin's husband passed away just 3 weeks after being diagnosed with stage 4 stomach cancer. He was such a nice man, so kind, thoughtful and patient. The world lost an upstanding man that day.
Also in October I lost my Mia. My sweet 10 yr old dog. Anyone who knows me knows how I feel about dogs, and how much I love my own. Mia brought us a lot of joy, and I sure was not expecting her to be hear one minute, and gone the next.
My greatest loss though, as so many of you know was my mom, my best friend. Who knew we would lose her this year. She didn't have to die. She fought her pneumonia like a veteran soldier, and yes, she won that battle, but a nasty side effect of any infection can be "Sepsis", and she developed it and as a result it caused her organs to fail, including her heart. Damn that sepsis!!!!!! The hardest thing to come to terms with was to accept that she was not going to get better, and that we needed to stop expecting her to. After weeks of ups and downs, filled with promises of hope and recovery, we had to surrender, the Doctor told us she was dying. I will never forget that day. It was a Sunday. When someone says to you "You look like you lost your best friend", well, there is a reason that phrase is so synonymous w/ sadness, as losing my mom, my BFF has left me saturated with grief. I'm having a hard time shaking it. I miss her, and I want to talk with her, I want to run to her for comfort. I hate 2010.
I know it could be worse. I know this, and I know that there are so many out there who suffer terrible loss, and I do know I should be thankful for what I have, and all the years I had with my Mom, and deep down, I truly am thankful, but for now, the sadness and anger has taken the front seat, and I know it is OK for me to feel this way, it is part of the mourning and the grief and even the healing, and eventually I will accept this and will take it all in and know that loss is part of life, but for now all I can think of is this year, 2010, the year of loss.
The way life used to be is no more. I have to get used to my new life, the life without my Mom. I still want to call her at night after everything is done, and I am winding down. She was like a fine dessert after a good meal, a nice way to end each day. Now I have to look for a new way to wind down my days. 2010 took so much from me. I hope 2011 is better, and I am going to feel optimistic that it will be.
Once the clock strikes 12 on New Years I'm going to be looking eagerly and counting down the days for Spring to come, for new beginnings, and one day, the way life used to be will be a fond memory, and won't hurt so bad to think of it.
Thanks for listening to me lick, ummmm, lap my wounds. They will heal, they are healing now, but it's gonna take time. I am hurting, but it will not last forever.
Come on 2011......I can't wait to greet you with open arms.
I know my BFF would want me to :)