Tuesday, October 12, 2010

holding on, letting go..... and trying to say good bye

After a lengthy stay in the hospital, a tough battle with a most fierce strain of pnemonia..... getting better..... cause for hope, we were given the news the other night that my Mother will not get better.
She will not make it.


Many of you know that my mom has been hospitalized since right before Labor Day, and while there she contracted a really tough strain of pneumonia.

She's fought so hard, and even when the Docs said she may not make it, she fought to prove them wrong. She had to be put on a ventilator just until they could get the pneumonia under control, and they did, and we sat bedside with her through it all.
She told my son "she wasn't goin anywhere". We believed her and held on to her words. She did beat the pneumonia, but the joy was short lived, as we were told soon after that the infection had caused her kidney to fail. BUT.....there is a chance it could come back said the Doctors.


My Stevie kissing his "Mimmy", early on, some 2 1/2 weeks ago.

Sweet Zoey seeing her Mimmy for the first time on the ventilator. It frightened her at first, but she begged to come back each day and sit bedside the bed w/ us. my mom loves her so, and you can see, even while heavily sedated, she tries to touch Zoey.

Me, giving my Mom a kiss.

I know this will be one of the very last. I see in this pic just how much she has failed in 2 1/2 weeks. She's grown tired and she is exhausted...fighting to breath all the time.

I know our time is running out, and I am letting go and saying good bye. I just don't know how I will ever manage in a world without this precious woman. It seems impossible to me.

We've been told that the pneumonia not only damaged my Mom's kidney, it also tooks it's nasty toll on her heart. She will not get better they say, and still she fights. This explains her continued swelling even though she goes through 3 hours of dialysis every other day. She doesn;t even look like the woman who was taken into that hospital some 6 weeks ago.

She could refuse the dialysis, but she asks to have it to give her time here, and I know she probably feels there may be some hope, and who are we to say otherwise. She knows we all love her so much, and she knows how hard it is for us all to say good bye, and I know she isn't ready to leave us. She is and always has been a nurturing, giving person to anyone she came in contact with. She's been the caretaker of the family, the one we all run to when we need something, even something as small as an ear to listen to our troubles.

I've had to be strong and I've had to tell her it is OK...I will be OK. she can go, and we will be OK. I just don't know how.

I'll be back to my doll making eventually, as I know she would want me to, and she loves my dolls so much. I even have a set in the works, but don't know when I will finish. I thought she was getting better and I was working a few hours each week.

since getting the news, I'm soaking up every ounce of life with my mom, and learning to let go and trying to say good bye to the woman who has meant so very much to me. I'm 50 years old, yet I feel like such a child.

20 comments:

Crowsnest Pass Primitive Folk Art said...

Patty I am sitting here crying & dabbing at my nose...Silly computer...it's so hard to tell you through this machine how much pain I feel for you & your family...family is so precious. I will be thinking of you all & I am still hoping your mom will pull through! Hugs Susan

Audrey said...

I can only imagine the pain your heart feels. The mother /daughter bond is such a special thing. we are so connected it is hard to imagine life after they are gone. I will pray for your mother and for your family to find strength and peace in this difficult time.
I wish I had words that could make it better, God Bless .

Carol Roll said...

Patty I am so very sorry about your mom. Like the other ladies, i wish i knew what to do or say to make the pain better.We are praying for you and your family.

Karen~The Barely There Primitive Bear said...

I know how you feel, my Mom had two strokes, after the second one, she was really bad, but she hung on for weeks, I know it was for me, I was hoping she would get better, but her lungs were too congested. I pray that your Mom will pull through and
for you and your family, at this very difficult time.

Bear Hugs~Karen

bayrayschild said...

Oh sister, how is wish I could give you a big comforting hug right now.

Love and blessings,
Audrey

2stitchin said...

My Dear Sister Patty,
I wish I had some comforting words for you, I have been down this road too with my Dad. Letting go is so hard but it really never is good bye. Our time on Earth is brief and we will be reunited with those we love again, just believe it. Prayers & love to you and your family as you go through this.
Lynn

GoldieLoo Woodworks said...

Oh dear Patty,as I have told you throughout this I wish I could do something,something to help ease your pain.
Your mom is a very strong lady and she is worrying herself about leaving you all.
Take is minute by minute day by day.
Love you Patty! Hugs~~Pam

Maggie/Cedar Hill Rustics said...

Patty.... I know we dont know each other all that well but I have admired your work forever, and have been in groups with you. The thing that brings us all together is that we share knowing the love of our dear parents.... When we lose them we all feel the pain. I have lost both of mine and yes it is the most awful thing in the world. My mom has been with the angles for over 18 years now and Dad joined her Christmas eve (his birthday) in 2004. They spent Christmas together (again) that year.
I am sending you and your dear Mother prayers that are meant to ease your pain. Hugs that are meant to comfort your heart... and tears to help memories grow.

Bless you and your family.
Maggie
Cedar Hill Rustics

Cookie said...

My heart is with you every minute of the day. I know and understand everything you are struggling to work through. As each day comes, you hold out hope there will be signs of improvement and we pray, if it's His Will, that God will bring a miracle to touch her and heal her.
Throughout your life, you have created a wealth of memories together as a family. These will stay with you all your days and bring so much joy and comfort - just as they have for me.
We all love you so much and want you to know we are here for you whenever you need a shoulder or an ear.
I'm not getting up - I'm staying on my knees. I know that our God is a good and gracious loving Father and even though we might not understand why, His ways are always perfect.
I love you.
My heart is with you.
If I could come alongside you during these difficult days, I would. But just know that I'm here.

Dogpatch Primitives said...

thank you friends, and I know so many have gone down this road already and it does help to know that we do get through this.

The Crackling Crows said...

Dear Patty...I want to tell you that you and your family are in my prayers...please stay strong! I know how you feel...Big hugs to you...Ivonne

Briar Rabbit Primitives said...

Dearest Patty, I know how close your family is & that your heart is hurting so much for your Dear Momma. I am so sorry to hear she has been so sick. Please know that you are in my thoughts & in my heart. I love you my Dear, Dear Friend. Hugs, Starla

acorn hollow said...

I am so sorry to hear about your mom. My mom died almost 2 years ago of kidney failure. the treatments are not easy. I miss my mother everyday and now that I will be a grandmother in dec i miss her more. My heart aches for you ,try to say all you can and ask all the questions you can think of. I will keep you in my prayers and hug to you and your family.
Cathy

NothingPlainByJane said...

Dear Patty,

I know, from experience, what a terribly tough time you are going through. I pray for your mom and for strength for you and your family to get through this.

Take comfort in knowing we will be back with all of our departed loved ones someday. Jane XO

Katherine said...

Patty, my heart is just breaking for you. Please know that you and your family will be in my prayers.

Hugs,
Katherine

Debbie Miller of Onion Patch said...

Patty, My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.
God Bless,
Debbie

Dogpatch Primitives said...

thank you all for the beautiful, kind, and very heartfelt words of understanding, support and comfort. I know so many have already walked down this dreaded path of letting go and saying good bye to a loved one whom they were so close with and who were such a big part of their daily lives. It is so hard to say good bye to someone you love so very much.
My mom passed away in the early morning of October 21st.

Daughternature Primitive Folk Art said...

Patty - my heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry for your loss, sadness, and pain. I write this with tears for I know how special a mom is. You are in my prayers. - BJ

Jan Marie said...

Such a hard thing to go through...Prayers and thoughts with you and your family...
Jan

Sharon Stevens said...

Patty, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother. I can truly tell by the photos and how much you talked about her that you had a special bond.

Please know that I was right along with everyone else in nonstop prayer for her, but God needed her for his purpose. Think of the wonderful reunion you will have once seeing her again. I'm sure she'll have all your favorite meals arranged for you upon arrival. She's preparing a place guaranteed!
Love ya,
Sharon