Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Reflections of .....


the way life used to be.

Adios 2010

If someone asked me to describe the past year with one word, it would be a piece of cake. It's a no-brainer for me. One word? Ahhh, that's simple. Loss. Loss sums it up perfectly. I could leave it at that, and it would be enough said. The year of Loss, that is what 2010 means to me.


Please don't get me wrong here. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. Welllll, maybe just a bit. OK, no doubt about it, yes I am. I am downright feeling sorry for myself! I'm ok with saying it. I think I am entitled to it, and I'm taking it and running with it, and I expect no one to feel abliged to run with me, it's a solo run and one I must travel alone. I usually will not own that mind set (self-pity), as I have always been capable of realizing that there is always someone else who has it worse off, and I still do know this, but I cannot help but to feel my own pain, my void, the bitterness I feel toward the year 2010! Going into it I had no idea how many family members we would lose. No idea whatsoever. Looking back at it, reflecting......it is hard to believe. We lost 6 family members in 2010, and we don't have a real big family. Yes, loss is the word of the year for our family.

It started in February, with my mom's cousin. He was older, but still so very sad to lose him. He lived right next door to me for many years, and his children were so close with him. I remember thinking at his funeral about what it would be like if it were my mom. How would I ever handle it I thought to myself as we said good bye to this lovely man. My mom was the same age as him. I knew eventually it would be our turn to have to do this. I couldn't have known though that we would be in that very same church saying goodbye just some months down the road.

In August, my dear cousin lost his 27 yr old son to a prescription drug overdose. He (Christopher) laid in a coma for a week, surrounded by loved ones before the family could come to grips with the reality that he was brain dead, and they would have to take him off life support. That was one of the saddest funerals I had ever attended, as seeing this young man in the casket, I could imagine any of our young people in his place, b/c I know the abuse is rampant.

In September my cousin Terri Jo lost her 10 yr battle with cancer. She was my age, and an only child. She leaves behind 2 children and a brand new granddaughter, and her Mother. I cannot imagine.


In October my other cousin's husband passed away just 3 weeks after being diagnosed with stage 4 stomach cancer. He was such a nice man, so kind, thoughtful and patient. The world lost an upstanding man that day.

Also in October I lost my Mia. My sweet 10 yr old dog. Anyone who knows me knows how I feel about dogs, and how much I love my own. Mia brought us a lot of joy, and I sure was not expecting her to be hear one minute, and gone the next.

My greatest loss though, as so many of you know was my mom, my best friend. Who knew we would lose her this year. She didn't have to die. She fought her pneumonia like a veteran soldier, and yes, she won that battle, but a nasty side effect of any infection can be "Sepsis", and she developed it and as a result it caused her organs to fail, including her heart. Damn that sepsis!!!!!! The hardest thing to come to terms with was to accept that she was not going to get better, and that we needed to stop expecting her to. After weeks of ups and downs, filled with promises of hope and recovery, we had to surrender, the Doctor told us she was dying. I will never forget that day. It was a Sunday. When someone says to you "You look like you lost your best friend", well, there is a reason that phrase is so synonymous w/ sadness, as losing my mom, my BFF has left me saturated with grief. I'm having a hard time shaking it. I miss her, and I want to talk with her, I want to run to her for comfort. I hate 2010.

I know it could be worse. I know this, and I know that there are so many out there who suffer terrible loss, and I do know I should be thankful for what I have, and all the years I had with my Mom, and deep down, I truly am thankful, but for now, the sadness and anger has taken the front seat, and I know it is OK for me to feel this way, it is part of the mourning and the grief and even the healing, and eventually I will accept this and will take it all in and know that loss is part of life, but for now all I can think of is this year, 2010, the year of loss.

The way life used to be is no more. I have to get used to my new life, the life without my Mom. I still want to call her at night after everything is done, and I am winding down. She was like a fine dessert after a good meal, a nice way to end each day. Now I have to look for a new way to wind down my days. 2010 took so much from me. I hope 2011 is better, and I am going to feel optimistic that it will be.

Once the clock strikes 12 on New Years I'm going to be looking eagerly and counting down the days for Spring to come, for new beginnings, and one day, the way life used to be will be a fond memory, and won't hurt so bad to think of it.

Thanks for listening to me lick, ummmm, lap my wounds. They will heal, they are healing now, but it's gonna take time. I am hurting, but it will not last forever.

Come on 2011......I can't wait to greet you with open arms.
I know my BFF would want me to :)

16 comments:

Audrey said...

(((((Hugs))))....There are no words to make it better but know I am thinking of you and sending prayers to ease your heart ache.

bayrayschild said...

Love and Hugs to you my dear friend.

Audrey

Mad Red Hare said...

Wow, you did have a bad year. We had our fair share here too. Here's to 2011 being a better year. But like you said, things will never be the same...

GoldieLoo Woodworks said...

Patty,remember though it will not be the same,you can always call me or one of the many friends,we all love and adore you and feel your loss.And you can call me everyday,just to vent or whatever..everyday at any ole time.
Chucks cousin always called his mom & dad every evening,always. So after he passed away Chuck started doing this for his cousin.He calls his Aunt & Uncle every day. Though it does not heal thier wounds it has helped them.
Hang in there. Hugs~~Pam

The Crackling Crows said...

Patty your story is so sad...I know or at least I think I know how you are feeling about losing your Mom...it took me over 2 years to feel better after losing my Dad...but I can promise you it will get better with time...I thought it would never get better but it did...I hope the year 2011 if filled with hope and love...I'm here...if you want to talk I'm only a phone call away...
Hugs Ivonne

Robin's Egg Bleu said...

So sorry for your loss. I wish you peace and joy this New Year.
Take Care,
Robin

Dogpatch Primitives said...

Thanks so very much friends for such heartfelt words of compassion. Nothing can bring our loved ones back, but to know others care, and understand helps to ease the pain. We all lose in life, no one is exempt.

Audrey....thank you for taking the time to visit dear, and thank you for thinking of me.

Audrey, you are a dear friend, and I know youve suffered a loss this year as well. I am so sorry for you and for the family of your dear friend Diane. I know how close you were to her.

Thank you Mad Red hare. I'm going to visit your blog as well.

Pammie, yes, I call my Aunt now quite often. She is my mom's only sister, and when I hear her voice it reminds me of my Mom, and my aunt and I cry together.

Robin, thank you for visiting. I'm going to stop by your blog as well.

Ivonne, I know how close you were to your Dad, and I am so sorry for your loss. I know the void is huge, and your visits back home in Germany are not the same with him gone.

The Wooden Acorn said...

Patty, Your "newbie" friend has just learned so much about you through your blog post.

I am so sorry to read about all. That is a lot to take and in handle in one year.

Hang in there, mourn for all, and then heal.

The loss of my sister to cancer left a forever mark in my heart, but also lasting loving memories too.

Hugs, Valerie

Carol Roll said...

Patty you are one of the sweetest and strongest ladies i know. It was a tough tough year for you and i know your gonna fight your way back this year and get stronger. You cant just bounce back but know you have friends with big shoulders who care about you.

Lynn said...

Dear sweet Patty....Just wanted to let you know Im thinking about you. Im sorry you are feeling so sad. Moms are our best friends aren't they. Once they are gone, we truly have to grow up, no more running to our moms for advise, or just to talk. I believe a relationship with your mother is the most treasured there is. Our moms make us who we are today. I know your mom is looking down upon you every day giving you the courage to carry on. You know in your heart that is what she would want for you to live on with her memory in your heart. Remember memories last a lifetime.

Hugs to you my friend...Lynn

Lynn said...

Dear sweet Patty....Just wanted to let you know Im thinking about you. Im sorry you are feeling so sad. Moms are our best friends aren't they. Once they are gone, we truly have to grow up, no more running to our moms for advise, or just to talk. I believe a relationship with your mother is the most treasured there is. Our moms make us who we are today. I know your mom is looking down upon you every day giving you the courage to carry on. You know in your heart that is what she would want for you to live on with her memory in your heart. Remember memories last a lifetime.

Hugs to you my friend...Lynn

candycemv said...

THAT LETTER REALLY TORE AT MY HEARTSTRINGS
YOU REALLY ARE IN ALOT OF PAIN AND IT IS ALL TOO EASY FOR ME TO IMAGINE MYSELF IN THAT PLACE SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE AND I AM SCARED TO DEATH OF THAT DAY
I WISH THERE WAS SOMETHING I COULD DO TO EASE THE PAIN
JUST KNOW I AM FEELING THAT PAIN FFOM YOU AND I GRIEVE WITH YOU
THERE IS ALWAYS A SHOULDER HERE
LOVE, CANDY VOLKOMMER

candycemv said...

THAT LETTER REALLY TORE AT MY HEARTSTRINGS
YOU REALLY ARE IN ALOT OF PAIN AND IT IS ALL TOO EASY FOR ME TO IMAGINE MYSELF IN THAT PLACE SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE AND I AM SCARED TO DEATH OF THAT DAY
I WISH THERE WAS SOMETHING I COULD DO TO EASE THE PAIN
JUST KNOW I AM FEELING THAT PAIN FFOM YOU AND I GRIEVE WITH YOU
THERE IS ALWAYS A SHOULDER HERE
LOVE, CANDY VOLKOMMER

Sue said...

I'm so sorry. I can relate to what you're going through as your experiences sound similar to my 2010. I really hope 2011 will be better, and I'm glad you're being optismistic.

Countryfolk Keepsakes said...

Patty, I know there are no words to heal your pain. But time will.
Your mama isn't here physically, but she is in spirit and you will "see" her everywhere. Especially in your children's and grandchildren's faces. ♥
Eventually the day will come when you will see her again. I'm looking forward to seeing my daddy again too. Blessings to you dear friend.
:> )
Peanut

Sharon Stevens said...

Patty just visited your blog. Please know that I was praying for her and you. We wonder why things happen the way they do, and I can't wait to ask the Lord, "Why".

Please know that you can call on me if you are feeling down or just need someone to talk too.

That Sepsis is bad, I'm praying my father doesn't get it. Although I know it will happen, I dread the day I have to experience, what you've had to.

Hugs and love to you my friend.
Sharon